The meaning of life, semen and all that jazz

Naughty Celebs (tut, tut)

2006-09-14T07:45:00.000-07:00

So it comes to my attention that Chris Langham, wonderfully dry witted star of Thick of It, has been rather naughty regarding the perusal of illegal kiddie pics and violently abusing his lady friends.

It got me thinking to how celebs get away with a hell of a lot these days. I mean sure, Langham is in the dog house and his career will now slide inextricably into the slimy pit of the obscure. That is until in 2 years time he appears on I'm a Celebrity, Shoot my Face Off at which point his career will be more successful than ever. It's a blip that has come at an inconvenient time for him - he's just won a BAFTA for god's sake - but one that in time will fade from view and ultimately help his career and make him loads of cash. He just won't ever be cool again.

But how many celebs are getting away with stuff and carrying on regardless? It's a well known fact that Chris Tarrant has been caught on numerous occasions bumming foxes in Hyde Park. Cat Deeley loves masturbating in car parks at Charity Balls prior to hosting said events. Ant and Dec have knowingly murdered 16 OAPs in the last 6 months alone.It's certainly a great ad for becoming a celebrity and I can see why appearing on shows such as Big Brother is so popular – turn up, get famous, appear on the cover of Heat dressed like a gay farmer, open a few supermarkets and hey presto! You can now go around doing what the hell you like to whomever you like using whatever sex toys your platinum card can afford!

Now, don't get me wrong, I’m not encouraging such behaviour, but at those moments when I’m sat on a bus and I get the overwhelming urge to rub my crotch up against the driver, well, wouldn't it be wonderful to just go ahead and bloody well do it! Not only that but I could shit on his dashboard and jump off the bus mid-journey screaming the names of the shadow cabinet...in Belgian!

So, the next time you're out doing your shopping at Asda and you catch the sight of Noel Edmonds sticking his nubbin up a pre-cooked chicken, say something! Stop him, make him feel ashamed and understand that just because he had Crinkly Bottom it doesn't mean he can spunk his celebrity everywhere!

2006-09-01T04:54:00.000-07:00

Vera Drake Vs Predator (Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation)

So, it's finally happening. After years in development hell and being handed around all the major studios and every hot director in town it finally rests with Predators natural home at Fox. As of yesterday Mike Leigh was still on-board to direct but the latest news on the vine is that he has got cold feet at the last minute due to his lack of action experience and it has reverted back to original frontrunner McG (or Mr McG as his publicist insists he should now be referred as).

You know, it's times like these when my faith in Hollywood is restored. Yes, i too am sick of remakes, sequels and over-hyped fluff but for some forward-thinking, passionate and creative movie-lovers to push so hard that a film like this gets off the ground should give us all inspiration.

I've read an early draft of the script and i can see what a risk it is for the studio but i can also see what a fantastic movie this could be. Yes, i know the premise seems obvious and the set pieces can almost be predicted right here, but some of the dialogue between the major characters and some of the plot twists will absolutely blow any film lovers right out of their popcorn covered seats.

I thought about adding spoilers and trawling through every wonderful scene but no, let's keeop it safe and keep it special. All i will say is that the dialogue heavy scene with Veras moving plea for peace and the cup of tea offered as olive branch to some otherworldy, untamed beast is surely an Oscar scene in waiting.

If anyone is in any doubt, i'll just remind you all of the scene that was cut from Fargo due to scared studio heads thus reducing it to some by-the-numbers indie fluff. If it wasn't for conservative, 'safe' dullards in suits our culture would be blessed with 'Elmos Fargo' - say no more.

2006-08-31T07:19:00.000-07:00

'I'm here, I'm here, my blog is formed from love and cheer!'

So sang Donnie Wahlberg & gang in the prog-rock Monkey Kids on the Block album 'Chest X-Ray - Bad news'.

I have spent 5 years creating this web blog utilising much outsourcing including various ex-Microsoft employees, small children in Croatia and a 50 strong team currently based in Silicon Valley.

This font was specifically created for me by Chuck Tanderbine in Morocco and is inspired be the real life events of Denny Tassle - master magician and Undertaker to the stars.

The press launch took place on August 15th 2006 at Earls Court in London with live performances from The Rolling Stones, The Pixies, a specially reformed Led Zeppelin and Barbara Striesand (with a show stopping duet of 'Evergreen' between Babs and The Falls Mark E. Smith). The aftershow VIP party took place at an exclusive club in London called Jism with a head-spinning, mind-melting, nu-rave set from underground DJ Tony Blackburn.

Needless to say, nobody could claim to have not heard of my wondrous blog by the offical launch on 31st August 2006 when even George Bush made reference to it in his famous 'Let's Bomb Ireland' speech.

So, here i am, here you are and here are all of us.

May your journey with me through the treacherous waters of the final 5 years of Earths existence be both inspirational, fun and above all, sensual.

So come, join me on my surfboard of love and Pringles and let's sliiiiiiiiide!!!!!